《 SEPT 2014 》
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So this girl walks up to another girl and says “Hey, have you heard of the Bechdel Test?”

And the other girl says, “Yeah, my boyfriend was telling me about it the other day!”


i don’t get it

I feel like this is an inside joke that I am not getting

091914 (1:01PM)

full homo
091914 (9:30AM)






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091814 (9:20PM)


i have such a busy schedule. i may have to cut out “studying” to make room for “crying over tv shows” and “4 hour nap”

091714 (7:19PM)
❝How weird it is to think I used to not know of your existence. I somehow lived my life without ever knowing you were a person. Once we met though, god I haven’t been able to get you out of my head since. It’s hard to imagine I used to be able to live my life without you consuming my head with thoughts.❞
— kmr (disastrous-heartache)

(出典: seventeenandinsatiable)

It’s been over a month since my return from the Philippines, but the drastic amount of change that occurred between then and now was so bewildering for me, that I couldn’t find an opportunity to type out my thoughts without submitting to emotional exhaustion. Even now, I’m still having difficulty finding the right words to describe the whole ordeal.

- - - - -

Before my departure from Canada, I was nothing but cynical and pessimistic towards the entire journey. At that time, I barely possessed the ambition for greatness, and despite my up-beat behaviour, I had so much trouble coping with depression and unnecessary anxiety, there wasn’t much of a glimmer of hope found within me in regards to the future (read as: a passive, negative asshole). However, once August 8th had arrived, and the moment I stepped into that taxi heading home from the airport, I felt like a completely empty person. A disassembled milk puzzle, with a few foreign pieces scattered into the pile. You can only imagine how frustratingly tedious it was for me to piece myself back together, especially when I couldn’t recognize the person staring back at me in the mirror.

In other words, I was in complete disarray.

Having accumulated so much information and experiences during the time away from home, sorting through such an overwhelming mountain of pieces had me vigorously questioning my entire existence, my relationships with everyone I knew, and made me deeply reflect on what the actual hell I was even planning on doing with my life. There were just too many changes happening for me to handle, and at such a dizzying speed, that the stress began to take its toll. It felt like I had trapped myself within a dark, unlit room, with nothing but the sound of a thousand thoughts violently buzzing and ricocheting inside my head. I felt myself deteriorating the longer I struggled to find the answers, feeling myself sinking deeper into a thick blackness that made it difficult to breathe. The indecisiveness, the overthinking, and a sense of guilt were eating away at me for weeks until it hit me:

"I’m afraid to change."

Stupid, right? But when you’ve spent much many of your years under the influence of an abuser’s manipulation, the habit of doubting yourself can be a difficult habit to break (I’ll spare you the sob story, a can of worms for another day). To admit that I was afraid of my own potential as a person sounded ridiculous at first, but it made more sense the longer I thought about it. I was fully aware of my dissatisfaction with my life, but prior to my trip, I made very little progress in certain areas due to the lack of motivation, poor attentiveness to my health, and a fear that my bonds would change negatively with family, friends, my now ex-girlfriend, and someone I honestly wished I didn’t have profound feelings for at the time (who eventually became l’amour de ma vie, a-ahem). This ended up causing procrastination on my development… haha, I’m actually a little angry with myself for being so fucking lazy, but the relief I felt when I had finally caught onto this mini-revelation.

With all of this in mind, putting the pieces together again was much less painful, as I carefully took the time to examine the purposes each one of them serves; the importance of self-discipline and self-care, what it means to love and be loved, how to properly display my integrity and devotion to my loved ones, to be assertive and sanguine when confronted, the value of trust, and to moderately motivate myself without hesitation. I’m less ashamed to admit that I am still a work in progress, because it is never too late to change yourself, and we’re always learning new things as the seconds go by. Since then, I’ve become much more content with where I am right now, more confident and optimistic than I ever thought possible, and I feel enlightened with these broader perspectives & acquired taste for unexplored destinations. With this unpredictable illness of mine, I can only hope that my strength and conviction will not falter as I proceed to live out my days with this newfangled sense of self. For my family, for my beloved, for my friends and mentors, but most importantly, for myself.

- - - - -

There’s no way for me to tell whether I’ve changed for better or for worse, considering how I’m still piecing myself back together, and I have already lost quite a few people since then. However, I’m satisfied with the direction my life is steering towards right now, especially since I now have better control of the helm (gasp). With a refreshing wind blowing through my sails, I feel more buoyant and adventurous as I make my way through unfamiliar waters, more mentally prepared for whatever hardships my come my way. Suffering is an unavoidable thing in life, but even when it hurts, I need to keep moving forward. These scars and bruises are proof of how far I’ve come, and I will proudly wear them without any shame or regret.

Jeez, it feels good to type this shit out.

052814 (7:09AM)

ONE OK ROCK in Toronto 2014 by omae-ni
"We speak different languages, we are from different backgrounds. But because of music we can meet each other."

My entire existence is still trying to process everything that happened two nights ago. My body is still extremely sore from the disaster of a mosh pit, but I’ll leave out those negatives because I want this post to radiate good vibrations and a message. Words can never measure up how much I love this band, but I’ll try my best to collect my feelings into this.

I entered high school in 2006 - 2007 with this band, their first song for me being 「エトセトラ」。Around the same time, ELLEGARDEN was slowly nearing their indefinite hiatus, so it was surprising for me to discover another group that impacted me that much as them. To this day, I still have a special place in my heart for ELLE, but that’s a can of worms for another day. Anyway. They’ve managed to get my adolescent self through some tough times along the way. I’ll save you my oh-so-tragic sob story, but to simply put it, I was sinking into such a terrible place that… I eventually abandoned music entirely. Does that have people questioning my loyalty as a fan? Probably. But sometimes depression can do that. It painfully tears you away from the things and people you used to love, and I can assure you that losing touch with this band was excruciating enough. Man, this is going in a different direction than expected.

However. Once 2012 made its entrance, everything changed.

During the summer of that year, a few months after I was released from the hospital, I reunited with someone I now consider a close friend, Cai, and found a brother in a then-stranger, Saturn. Although our original plan was to have a tiny photoshoot, we ended up spending the entire afternoon talking about things that revolved around the topic of bands; one them including Saturn meeting with ONE OK ROCK during one of his trips. I’m not sure how to explain it, but listening to him sharing his experiences was nostalgic, like hearing about an old friend I haven’t met in years. You can bet your ass that when I got home, I decided to “catch up” on what I’ve missed out on… needless to say, I fell in love with them all over again, haha. I fell so hard to the point where I spent hours crying while listening to their discography, because every song had something I needed to hear.

This is going to sound incredibly cheesy, but I think finding them again was a definite sign for me that things will get better, after everything I went through during that part of the year. At that time of my life, I saw myself as a weak, insignificant person, a burden to everyone around me. I thought to myself, “I should have died back then, there’s no hope for me”. There was no one in the world I hated more than myself. So when hearing your inspirations play songs about enduring hardships, that everything is going to be alright, it sinks pretty deep into your heart.

It’s thanks to these four dorks that I’ve come to love and appreciate the second chance at life given to me, that I’m constantly working on making myself a better person, and that I can have a healthier way of thinking. Jeez, I’m tearing up just typing this out, and I’m sure there are people laughing or looking down on me for the things I’ve done. But I’m not going to let that chain me down anymore, and these four dorks have helped me realize that I’m a constant work-in-progress.

And now this brings me to May 14th, 2014: the day I finally got to see them perform before my very eyes. 

I’m going to be super honest here, and say that it was my first concert experience, and I feel accomplished that these guys were my first. In fact, it was all sorts of “firsts” for me, from buying a band t-shirt, to screaming at the top of my lungs without a care in the world. Hell, I got water baptized on the cheek by Ryota. Again, going to leave out how chaotic the mosh pit was, but thankfully I am the sturdiest & most patient person out there, so I survived my first pit, albeit not being able to move my arms much… explaining why I didn’t get to take many pictures during the performance, sadly. I did, however, manage to record part of “Wherever You Are" (the link is right there) before they ended off with "NO SCARED"!

It’s hard for me to put the actual concert into words, because it went by so quickly, and I was completely awe-struck by everything. The opening band was fantastic, but I’m embarrassed to say I forgot their name. They were really good for their first time performing in front of a large crowd, so I’m happy for them! The second the crew started setting up for the boys after they left, I was shaking in my spot, but once the famous Red Mic made its appearance on the stand… oh boy, was I going nuts. I can’t say I was “lucky” to be so close to the front, but at the same time, it was exciting seeing all of this happen so close.

Lets talk about the guys, though. Taka was obviously as charismatic as fuck, he really knows how to conduct the flow of energy in a room with that stage presence of his. His English is also noticeably improving, even though he didn’t speak very much of it. And don’t get me started on his voice, because he has such great control over his vocals, he sounds just as good live as he does in CDs! I’m not even kidding. For Ryota, the best way to describe him is “dorky beast”. He kept sticking his tongue out and making the craziest faces while he played, but my god, was he rocking out harder than anyone I’ve seen in person. I’m glad I was on his side of the stage to witness this happen, it was hard to stop feeling the music whenever I looked at him. Toru was obviously looking chill as always, I honestly can not believe that someone could pull off this combination of mature x rockstar sort of appeal, yet he did it flawlessly. Then again, this S-class cool attitude is expected from the leader, right? With Tomoya, my core literally shook with the beat. I’ve always enjoyed how hard drummers worked, despite being in the back, and he looked so passionate playing that it had me smiling whenever I got the chance to look at him.

They were absolute perfection, and subtracting the pushing, I want to relive this live again. The bruises and sweat were totally worth it. There was this very wonderful feeling of togetherness from the crowd when we all sang along with them, and honestly, it’s only something you can understand when your love for a band is mixed in with people who are just as enamored with them as you are. Can I just… go back in time and relive it? As impossible as it may be, I’ll definitely make a playlist of all the songs they played to get me through life until the next concert. One thing’s for sure: I will never forget that night for as long as I live. I made new friends, managed to reunite with old ones, and had the experience of a lifetime. After all, you never truly forget your first love.

If I ever do get the chance to see them in person, I’d probably drown the entire area in tears for how grateful I am to them, and how proud to see how far they’re getting in their lives. They’ve influenced me in so many ways, and may have potentially saved my life. I’m really glad I’m alive today, so thank you ONE OK ROCK.